Friday, 20 January 2012

Excuses... Dammit, I have to get real!

Let's see... Of course!

I'm "Too Old" .... Hell, why should I even be trying? Who am I trying to kid, it's not like I'm in my 20's or even my 30's or 40's!!! What the hell is the point of trying? I'm old and I'm fat - It's SOOOOO bloody hard to find the energy to do anything!! Let alone organise all the meals and what the hell 500 calories a day excercise??? What the? And is it actually humanly possible for someone my age to burn 1000calories??? SSS ... Bloody Hell!!

Ok... Kick, kick, kick... fair up the arse... don't be so bloody negative!! Of course I can do this! Just step away from the computer and put some of THAT time and energy into my excercise sessions. I know, I'm not burning as many calories as I thought I would... know what that means??? I'm healthier & stronger than I want to admit, & I need to step up more & PUSH IT!!!

I'm too "Disorganised". I'm always running late, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done and I'm tired.

Again... "Step away from the computer" and just do what needs to be done!! For f*#ks sake I know what needs to be done, just do it. I waste sooooo much time just thinking about what I should do (Paralysis by Analysis anybody??). If I just did it straight off... well it would be done, wouldn't it???

I just need to relax and have a drink... I've had a hard week, day, hour... the last 5 minutes were a bitch (Ok, the fact that I'm writing this after having a drink is not good... but I didn't pour it until AFTER I did my 30 minutes on the treadmill... and it's my first drink since last Saturday! ).

OMG Are you listening to yourself?? Are you even counting the calories (nope... just ignoring the whole sorry mess really!) Wouldn't it have been a better idea to organise a nice dinner and clean up the kitchen. Then tomorrow morning I'd be ready to hit the ground running for a SSS session. "Shaking of Head" Obviously I know better. It will improve!!

It's TTOTM ... yep it really is, and WHY is this still happening at my age??? Where the hell is the shut off button for all this hormonal crap?? I don't want any more children, haven't for 20 years or more. I think Mother Nature got the time frame for all this entirely wrong!!

Actually for this one I'm kinda happy with myself this week.. was feeling crap yesterday afternoon (now I know why) but, I still went to my PT session. Yay me!! Wasn't the best session, but at least I still JFDI. Thanks Mish..   it is working... slowly but surely, I'm changing for the better.

And that last sentence is what it's all about really... I am improving, making small changes, getting closer to being the person I envision myself to be. I will achieve this. Yes, sometimes it is a step backwards... but how many steps forward did I achieve first. I am improving, and for that I am eternally grateful. It will continue. I will be the person of my dreams, not of my nightmares.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Ignoring the Voices

It seems that I wasn't particularly motivated on Monday to write a post. I'm not sure how I'll manage during the week, work tends to get in the way, dammit!

So, today I thought I'd talk about what started this in the first place... the need to lose weight! I've been saying for years now that "I must lose some weight" Definitely wanted to be fit and fabulous by Would try various "diets" and have joined numerous gyms over the years... but as is the case with so many others I would begin with the best of intentions and fall off the wagon within weeks! My motivation would dissipate like fog on a sunny day!

And then of course I joined Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation, Round 3, 2011. And amazingly to myself and those who know me, I have stuck with it!! True I didn't push myself as hard as I now know I could have... I'm still struggling to be honest with those voices that tell me that "I can't do it", "I'm too tired", "I'm too sore"... I'm sure you can relate. But I am pushing back knowing that I can do it, even if I'm too tired or too sore! I fight back with positive affirmations of what I will do.

My Motivated Monday (yesterday) didn't start the best. Went out in the morning for a planned walk/jog (still trying to learn to run - those voices aren't helping the process) and it didn't go so well. Couldn't get into a rythm, my running partner (that would be the dog) was pushing me  to go to fast, just BLAH! Managed to burn 183 calories according to my shiny pink HRM.. not brilliant, not happy. Off to work for the day - have I mentioned there are stairs to my office? That afternoon I went to a Zumba class (I am SO uncoordinated), heaps fun, I walked there and back too. Managed 588 calories. Much happier :)

Continued on today (Tuesday), had a gentle walk this morning because I knew I was going to a group workout this afternoon. Groan, We had fun (am I becoming a masochist? lol) Thanks to our fearless leader for putting together our torture sessions.

So, here I continue, where I never have before! Sticking to the meal plans, excercising 6 days a week, and more importantly, being excited about the process. I must be boring everyone around me silly with my continual chatter about it all. But I am so lucky that everyone family, friends, workmates...        are all so supportive. Thanks to them all!

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Serene Sunday

I had a good day today!

Actually my good day started last night, after rereading my previous post. I went through to the kitchen, picked up my bottle of scotch and poured the remainder down the sink. I took a stand, which I managed to repeat while shopping today, by ignoring the bottle shop and telling myself to act like an adult! Let my strength & commitment continue.

I had a rest day today, no excercise. I slept in (although I did have a couple of hours of insomnia through the night - but that's fairly normal for me), I very rarely sleep in, it was good. OH cleaned the kitchen this morning. Then I messed it

Picked up a boxing bag from a friend who didn't want it (Thanks Jules) and OH hung it in the shed for me. I asked my PT to show me how to use it properly in our session this week. (Sorry, no pic)

Did the grocery shopping - didn't need much, mainly just fresh fruit & veggies.

Arrived home to find the OH using our other new toy... sweating up a storm on the treadmill (Thanks Sara). He wants to get fit and lose some weight too - so proud and happy :)

Then hit the kitchen for a cook up. Now my fridge and freezer are stocked with meals for myself and the OH.

What a boring day! And I loved it! I'm feeling calm and serene.

Just need to lay out my clothes for tomorrow now, and head to bed!

What will tomorrow be? Motivated Monday perhaps? Goodnight World!

Saturday, 14 January 2012

My Number 1 Nemesis

Alcohol!! Yep, booze, specifically either red wine (Merlot in particular) or Scotch (with coke zero... as if that helps!!) And I act like a spoilt teenager about it too. I WANT IT... and I will have it cause I can!!! So there!


I had a counsellor tell me once that I "Self medicate on alcohol" ... Duh!! You reckon??  It's amazing I still have a functioning liver.

So, I am sitting typing this while drinking.. yep, confessing all while sucking down on scotch & coke zero. How pathetic is that?

I tell myself on a regular basis that I "will stop drinking" on such and such a day. And sometimes I do. Usually only for that day! Occasionally for a day or two more (but that is usually dependent on how smashed I was when I pledged)

Ok, so confession out of the way. I KNOW that to get total control of my life, my health, my fitness... I need to get control of this monster. Can I? To be honest, I'm not sure. It is an addiction, it scares me.. but I am aware of it. I guess that is a start.

The sad part is that so much of my life is missing... I don't remember so many details, and I worry, is this because I drink? Or is this normal? Do people really remember everything in their lives? Or have I destroyed precious memories because of my selfish behaviour. My OH tells me now how proud he is because I have cut back on my drinking. But really, is it anything to be proud of because a bottle of scotch now lasts 3-4 days instead of 1-2? I really think not.

So, this will be a challenge for me. I would love to be able to "just have an occasional social drink when out" but is this really an option? Would I be better off getting to a point of abstinence? Can I actually do that?

Any feedback would be truly appreciated. This will definitely be a work in progress. I hope the upgrade will be finished soon :)

Why Now??

Well, why not? It's been a long time coming! I've been wanting to start a blog - actually I did start another, I think I put up one post. It was about going camping.Then we stopped going camping... End of that particular blog!

This time I am going to be boring any brave readers with my reflections on a personal journey rather than a physical one. Hopefully it may work like a free therapy session for me where I can share my angst, my highs and lows and emerge at the other end with a better understanding of myself.

So, you may ask, what brought this on? Initially, it was about losing weight! August last year, I was a size 18.. and my size 18 jeans were getting TIGHT! Bloody Hell! Next stop was a size 20! Bugger that... NO WAY was I going to buy ANYTHING in a size 20. Now don't get me wrong, I had "tried" a few weight loss programs (I really hate shakes), joined a few gyms etc... over the years. It would work for a while (I would work for a while), then "something" would happen and I would stop - fall off that old weight loss wagon so to speak.

Then, for a few days in a row last year, on the radio while at work, I heard Michelle Bridges asking "Would you like me to be your Personal Trainer?" Finally I gave in to the message that the Universe was sending me and checked out the website she kept telling me about for her 12 Week Body Transformation program.

So, I joined, 2 days before the program started - it was a rush to get through all the Pre-Season tasks, and I didn't do them very well - but I joined and thought maybe, just maybe this might work! I thought it was just about the weight loss. I was wrong!

The program made me confront the reasons I put on weight to begin with. It was difficult, it still is. I struggled with it all, and I still am struggling. Change does not come easily and my old habits are still rearing their ugly heads and screaming at me to remain in the same old rut. I learnt some new things during the 12 weeks and tried to confront and get rid of some nasty habits that were contributing to not only my weight gain, but my unhappiness. You notice I said "tried" I did manage to lose a significant amount of weight (9.2kg) but most of my old habits are still hanging around.

So, fast forward to now! In 2 days the Pre-Season for Round 1, 2012 12WBT kicks off. This time I will do the tasks set to me with a hell of a lot more integrity than last round. This is so much more than a "Body Transformation" to me, I want to transform my life and become the best version of me. Happy, healthy, energetic, loving life and living it! Let the games begin!